Cry Me a River.

So following yesterdays disaster of a day, it occurred to me that I cry..... often!.....
I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm angry. The thing is I'm not one of those lucky people who looks fine two minutes later....Nope, I look like a beetroot with goggle eyes for about three hours afterwards....Great!
Here's some of my most recent cryage......

I cried because an epidural pump wouldn't stop bleeping.....for 4 hours.
I cried because a Doctor pissed me off.
I cried because I lost my sim card.
I cried because the imbecile in my works car park confiscated my car parking past because I forgot to put my new permit on my car.....Doesn't he know it expires at the END of July?
I cried because my brother graduated university.
I cried because I watched the movie "My Sister's Keeper"
I cried when I watched the Lion King on the West End and Broadway....but not at the end....at the beginning!
I cried when I watched Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent.
I cried at "How do you solve a problem like Maria" in front of my whole family.
I cried at Tom Hanks in Castaway when he lost his friend Wilson the football....
I laughed when a date cried at the movie in the pursuit of happiness and I didn't......Oops!

Why am I always dying???

I have this friend, outwardly she appears normal, confident, attractive........However, the other day she rang me and asked me to sit down to hear her news.......

My Friend: Can I tell you something?
Me: Of course, What is it?
My Friend: I think I have MS.....
Me:........*Silence*..........
My Friend: No really, I'm sure, I'm really sick this time.......
Me: What happened to your skin cancer??
My friend: I went to three dermatology specialists they said it a mole.
Me:.....Three specialists!!
My Friend: I didn't believe the first two.....
Me: So what makes you think you have MS?
My Friend: I have this funny feeling in my foot when I have been sitting down for a while....
Me: Erm...That's called pins and needles.....
My Friend: No, I'm sure its MS, do you think my boyfriend will look after me when I'm sick?......
Me: Have you been on NHS Direct again???
My Friend: No!!
Me: Google???....
My Friend: ....Maybe....Why am I always dying???

Internet dating....Why I didn't call back....

The Science Guy: We met at Kro Bar.... You were late, when you arrived you didn't apologise and just sat down. You made out my job was pointless....."Why be a nurse when you could be the Doctor" you said. When I tried to explain you started looking around the room uninterested. When you talked, it was all about you.....Your job, how much you earn, how clever you are, where you live, the list was endless...... From what I could tell you spin things around in a big machine all day.......Thrilling I'm sure.


The Army Guy: We met in a Pub..... You were 10 foot tall, I was up to your crotch....perfect for you, not so thrilling for me. You kept interrupting me with statements like "You have beautiful eyes" Cornie, but OK at first.....but quickly grew old. You got upset/aggressive when I told you how off putting it was after you said "You're so hot" when I was talking about something completely unrelated to my hotness. You got jealous when some random bloke looked down my top and almost started a fight with him......Oh and you got wasted.

The Fat Guy: We met in Starbucks, you were lovely but in your profile picture you were hot..... In reality, not the case. We had lots in common, you had obviously made a big effort, but you were popping out your trousers, your shirt didn't fit and I couldn't help but notice the outline of your ball sack through your trousers!.....My eyes bled.
You told me you liked your women "clean" What did you mean my that???.....You were lovely conversion (but I didn't fancy you) You made me laugh (but I didn't fancy you) You walked me to the bus stop (but I didn't fancy you) You text me to say you had I lovely time (I felt guilty and vain for not fancying you).......You were the best internet date I had, maybe I should have called you back??????

Boys, have you ever wondered what girls talk about?.......Please don't!

When I read these text messages back to myself I laughed out loud, I'm sure it will provide hours of piss taking in the future! Oh, may I just add, my friend and I am young, intelligent, hot, professional women! No arguments! lol.........

Me: Did you ring me before? Not sure if I dreamt it!

My Friend: You dreamt it bird! Although I cut my nipple on my razor before and am now convinced I am destined to develop breast cancer because you told me it can be brought on by trauma!

Me: Erm......How did you manage to cut your nipple with a razor? What the hell were you doing?

My Friend: Shaving my nipple hair of course! Don't pretend you don't do that!

Me: How do I tell you this????.....I don't! Although I do have a random pube that insists on growing above my belly button! (Do you really have nipple hair??)

My Friend: Yes, now I don't wanna see that on your blog!

Me: Ha, Ha, you have had me inspecting my nipples now!......Nope no hair!......It's official you're a freak of nature!

Dude, Where's my gun?

It always amuses me what I see at the entrance to work, most people see the same people doing the same thing every day, they might even say “Morning”…......No not me…...This is the NHS after all……

Monday: Random dude asleep in his wheelchair……Can of “Stella” spilling on his pants....

Tuesday: Woman sat on the floor at the entrance confusing the electric doors, big “no smoking area” signs painted on the floor in big red letters, cigarette in hand, legs strategically covering the “No”…..Genius....

Wednesday: Random crazy, sat in the smoking shelter talking to himself very loudly…. Mental health care worker sat beside him..... on her mobile phone.

Thursday: Prostitute kicking her pimp’s car calling him a “F**king ugly c**t”…..So naturally he tries to run her over....

Friday: Three dudes sitting in a line smoking, all in wheelchairs.... “No smoking area” clearly marked. One guy with one leg, one guy with no legs & one guy with one arm.....

Silence is deadly!

Hmm…..Why is it that I always seem to have those really uncomfortable silences during work social events? Why is it that some people have no problem blabbering on about nothing yet I am constantly stuck with the scary question “What do I say?” Don’t you just hate those moments when the other person plays with their knife and fork, tries to earwig another conversion, pretends to text or just plainly stares around the room? Why is it in these situations I always have the urge to say something inappropriate to shock them from their semi slumber?

Do I scare the hell out of them by telling them personal details like....How I shave my big toes because they are too hairy? Do I tell them about my traumatic experience of finding my first grey and how I managed to say out loud “Oh my god is that a grey?!” whilst in Dorothy Perkins changing rooms only to have the lady in the next cubicle say “You poor love, its all downhill from here!” Do I tell them how the offending grey or offending grey’s new friend “Grey number two” were then spotted by a friend who offered to pull it out, or do I tell them how I plan to spend my Sunday afternoon searching for the greys in order to banish them so I can return to being a 27 year old brunette minus two grey hairs?............... No, I say none of these things...... instead I talk about work, Thrilling!

Why does stuff like this always happen me??.......

It all started when I planned to go and spend the afternoon in the park, donning shorts and a summer goddess look, off I went with my picnic blanket, book, sunglasses, sun cream and bottle off water and found a nice shady spot out of the sun and settle down to read my book…….

Two hours later I awoke to find the pages of said book stuck to the side of my face with now dry drool….After a quick look round to check no one had seen my Waynette Slob impression, it occurred to me that my legs were a bit red and I had forgotten to put on sun cream. So I thought it was better to get out the sun altogether. When I got home I located a bottle of “Tan prolonging after sun” and happily slapped it all over the back of my legs and thought nothing of it. Off I went into public places with various friends for the rest of the afternoon..….giggling about how bad my legs looked and admiring how they were turning brown already (obviously due to my great skin.)

When I got home, having noticed my legs now looked half tangoed, I had a second look at the bottle……..In the smallest ever letters under the “Tan prolonging after sun” it said “contains self tan”.....

I have attempted to make my legs look the same colour all over by putting the “after sun/tanning lotion” all over my legs but now I look like a tangoed mess……..I hate fake tan for a reason......Now where are my trousers???