Sunday, 31 October 2010

So now you know.....

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined. ~ Henry David Thoreau.

Maybe it was on some crappy daytime girlie chat show, maybe it was in some cheap magazine that I read in the small hours of a night shift or maybe I am imagined it.....but I'm sure I once heard it somewhere that in order to get what you have always dreamed of you have to tell the universe. You have to actually say them all out loud so that it knows what your dreams are and grant your wishes for you.
Like a genie in a bottle.
Only without the genie.

So here goes.....

1. I would like to be happy and feel content.
2. I would like to love and be loved in return.
3. I would like to marry Hugh Jackman (Ok, Ok)
4. I would like to be respected in my work place.
5. I would like more real friends.
6. I would like children.
7. I would like to be thinner.
8. I would like to travel more.
9. I would like to be more positive.
10. I would like to feel wanted.
11. I would like to sing on the stage.
12. I would like my family to be happy and healthy.
13. I would like my own place.
14. I would like to be to busy to worry.
15. I would like to be more confident with men.
16. I would like to feel sexy.
17. I would like to laugh more.
18. I would like to know my own worth.
19. I would like to love life.
20. I would like to like myself.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Just because no one knows.....

"I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me."

Ever since I can remember I have loved to sing. I still know all the words to The Little Mermaid.
When I was little I used to think that one day I would meet "My Eric" and we would live happily ever after. Now I'm older I know that is not going to happen.

I can remember being told to "shut up" by my Dad when I sang. I can remember him recruiting my older sister to belittle me as they would wait outside my bedroom for me to start singing. Then brust in the door so they could laugh in my face and tell me how terrible I was. Now I only sing to myself when know one is around.

A few years ago two of my friends clubbed together and got the best present I ever received. Singing lessons. That is how I met Rachel she has gone from singing teacher to one of my closest friends in the world. I introduce her as "My Opera Singing Friend" because I am so proud of what she does. She is a bucket of positive energy to my half empty attitude. She exactly what I need and she is the only person who has ever heard me sing properly and not laughed.

I have a love affair with Musicals and I cry when I watch them. Probably because I wish it was me. I can remember when my love affair started, it was when I watched "The Phantom of the Opera" when I was 10 years old. My Mum and Nana had decided to take my older
sister and I as a treat. I remember being to small to see the stage and sitting on a booster seat. As the lights went down and the music boomed around the theatre, I was mesmerised and hooked for life!

Then came the final scene. I tried so hard not to cry, I felt the burn as
the lump in my throat tried to fight its way out. Then suddenly I wailed like the child I was....

The whole theatre seemed to turn to stare at me. I was so embarrassed
and hid my red face on my Mum's lap, but the women just smiled at me with understanding, I was allowed to cry, I was a child, they were not. From that day on a became a "Musical Junkie"

So here you are. You are now one of only a few people who knows my secret.

My hidden passion.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Just because it makes me smile....

Just because I want happiness

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed." ~ Storm Jameson.

Seen as though I feel like I have done nothing but moan in my last few posts. I have decided to re-post an old post from last year about things that make me happy.
It all counts, the big things and the small things, even if it was just for a second......

So here goes.......

Clean washing.

Sunday roast.
The smell of the rain.

Sunshine on my face.
Sun beams breaking through the clouds.
Postcards from my friend.

Conversations with my nan.
My mum's eyes when she gets excited.......Oh and her over dramatic wave.

A baby's laughter.
Smiles from my god daughter.

The smell of winter.


The fairground.
Crunching ice under your feet.

Snowball fights.
Lying in a field on a hot summers day.
Having picnic's in the park.

Ice cream.


Playing fetch with a excitable dog.
Driving down old English country lanes.
The beech.
Pubs in the winter with an open fire.

Cuddles on the sofa.
Driving and singing very obviously to a great song.

Feeding the ducks.

Relaxing into a hot bath.
My hair after its been washed.
Giving someone a massage.
My bed.

Cuddling up in front of the telly.
Getting a funny message on facebook.
Good food and great company.
Musicals...Especially on the Westend!

Laughing till it hurts.

A great book.

My slippers.
The beep of a text message.

My pink backpack.
The way my dog wiggles her bum when she is excited.
Trying on the perfect outfit.
Dancing to a great song.
Hitting that perfect note.

Thanks from a patient.
Sitting in my nan's back garden.
Walking on crunchy leaves.
The Woods.
Live music.
Sitting by the river.
A great view.

Taking my shoes off after a long day.

Driving ho
me from work with the windows down.
Sunday mornings when no one else is around.
Candle light.
The chill of a church.
The countryside.


Finishing a painting.

Capturing that perfect moment with my camera.
Chick flicks.
Singing into my hairbrush.
Hearing a great song.
Crying at a great Movie.
The Book Store.
Soft skin.
That clean feeling after a shower.
The smell of soap.
My hand cream.
Having a lie in on a day off.

Friday, 15 October 2010

You are missed

"Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent" ~ Jean Kerr.

I look for you but I don't see you.

My friends tell me if I stop looking, you will suddenly appear, but it's easy for them to say, they are content with their lives. I just can't help myself.

Are you the man standing next to me at the bus stop or the guy staring at me from across the bar? Are you the Paramedic bringing me a new patient or the Policeman who is dragging one away? Even if it was you, I would never know as I would be automatically looking at the floor, breaking eye contact and losing the moment forever.

If only you knew how much I miss you, even though I haven't met you...

I miss you in the shopping mall, when I see couples holding hands. I miss you when I am pushed out of the way in the crowd because I am alone and of no consequence. I miss you when I look for cards for yet another friend who has had a baby. I miss you when I see the one that is meant for you, I glance at it a while, but it remains on the shelf.

I missed you at my sister's wedding when I told her she looked beautiful. I missed you as I straightened her dress and painted on my smile as my loneliness burnt inside. I missed you when I watched them have their first dance and when everyone took their partners to the dance floor. I missed you as I hid in the corner hoping I would disappear.

I miss you as the cold Autumn air chills my fingertips as I imagine holding your hand. I miss your smile when I show you where I used to play as a child. I miss your humour as we laugh while we walk though the woods and along the riverbank.

I miss you at Christmas when I watch my siblings receive gifts from their partners. I miss you at the Christmas table when I pretend I am happy for my family's sake, but inside I want to cry.

I miss you when I sit alone in the cinema, hoping that no one has noticed the girl sitting alone with her popcorn. I miss you as I pretend to text someone on my mobile phone so people think I am not alone in the world.

I miss you at night when I move the extra pillows into the small of my back, as I dream that one day you will hold me as I drift off to sleep. I miss you when the voice of hope begins to speak more quietly to me. I miss you when she promises me that one day I will be happy, one day I will meet you and one day I will have everything I ever dreamed of.

If only you knew how much I miss you...

Just because I love to sing........

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Boy Tales: Army Boy.

"Regret for things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for things we did not do that is inconsolable" ~ Syndey Smith.

Army Boy:

I met you in my nan's garden, we were having a family party and you were the son of a friend of the family. Dressed in your uniform and carrying your daughter how could I resist....
We chatted in the garden as we played with your daughter and I thought nothing else of it (how could you possibly fancy me) until suddenly I started receiving text messages from you.

You were sexy, funny and flirtatious. We liked the same things and eventually you convinced me to drive the 4 and a half hours to your house for the weekend. I remember I was excited and wasn't nervous until we were alone together.....Which is when I morphed into a neurotic woman.

Boy, did I over analyse you...

You took me onto your base and proudly showed me around while talking about your job. You acted like the perfect gentleman, you paid for our meals and opened doors for me. You took me into the city and as we wandered around the cathedral, I began to panic..."What if he expects me to sleep with him?" You tried to chat to me but I was tense and conversation was silted. I remember you telling me "Military men often marry nurses because they can get a job in any hospital" Causing my mind to go into complete overdrive.....

When the evening came we chatted on the sofa, I quizzed you about your ex wife and you explained how you had to stay in contact with her for your daughter's sake. You told me that she played mind games with you and showed me how she sent you erotic pictures of herself to keep your interest even though she had a new partner.
The photos were all the excuse I needed.
It was Game Over.

In the morning, I woke up at 7am put on my clothes and left. Giving you a silly excuse about having to get home. As I got in my car, I looked at you through the rear view mirror, standing on your doorstep in your towel looking all dumbfounded. I felt so bad when you said "but.. I was going to make us dinner." I started to cry, but I drove away anyway.

To my surprise the texts continued and I replied...beating myself up about my "girlie freak out".....Asking my friends "Was it me?" but knowing full well it was. After a few weeks, when you asked me what you did.. I confessed everything, endured the usual "REALLY!??" conversation, but to my surprise you still wanted to see me.

When your family arranged a party and invited my family.. I was surprised as I hadn't seen you since I ran away, but I made the effort...doing the girlie thing of putting on some make up and over analysing myself in the mirror. Telling myself a few times..
"You're so fat!"
"No you're not!"
"Yes, you are!"

When I arrived to my horror I realised I was overdressed......only to have your dad ask "Have you got dressed up for him" Which only deflated my confidence to less than zero.

When I realised your whole family knew about me and had been excitedly awaiting my arrival. I had my second "girlie freak out" and refused to make eye contact or talk to you. When you followed me to my car to ask if you had done something wrong, I immediately felt bad and just said "I feel a bit self conscious" I felt so uncomfortable, so eventually I left the party.....
Confidence in tatters.

Unsurprisingly, I never heard from you again.

A few weeks ago your dad sent me pictures of your wedding to a gorgeous blond, you looked so happy...

God I missed out.
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