Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Glastonbury: The Departure.

So having arrived at Glastonbury under such traumatic circumstances I expected the departure to be a breeze……..Wrong! Having already decided to leave in the early hours at 2am it began to bucket it down, already out all night dancing in a club by 4am we decided it was best just to go home and sleep in a service station till morning. It would have been a good plan if it were not for the field turning into a bog!

As my wellies now had holes in them I decided that once in the car I would put on my sandals and leave my wellies by the bin and not get mud in my car. Once again wrong! Having unknowingly been directed the wrong way by a steward, my car, my friends, all the camping stuff, 3 backpacks and I attempted to drive up a muddy hill to the exit. After receiving advice from my friend to do “low revs in a high gear” I attempted the assent to the exit, but my car became stuck in the mud and I met my first “Computer says No” Glasto steward………

In his wisdom he attempted to try and advise me on how to get my car up the hill, but the wheels just kept spinning and the car began to slide backwards down the hill toward a gatepost. Eventually, it came to a precarious stop, but the steward continued to watch fellow festive goers walk behind my car between the fence post and my temporarily stationary car. In my genius, I thought it was a more intelligent (and safer) option for people to be directed around the other side of my car, but “computer says no” steward thought otherwise and continued to allow people not only up the extremely slippy hill where I was stuck and people where falling over like skittles, but around the side of my car where it potentially could slide back and crush them…..

Having sat there for two hours waiting for a tractor to tow me up the hill, my friends and I took action. Without wellies and in sandals we walked around in the mud and found a picnic blanket and some random rubbish to give to car some grip. With my friend attempting to push the car and me driving, we tried to move the car. As we did so four stupid stewards stood and watched three damsels in distress but offered no help. With my friend advising “Low Revs, high gear” I attempted again to move the car, with extreme concentration I moved the clutch and accelerator, only to hear my friend shout "Stop revving!” and turned to see her covered from head to toe on mud! Oops!

Giving up all hope of trying to leave some time this year, we decided to try again to reverse, this time with my friend driving (chanting “low revs, high gear” to herself) and me pushing, we eventually moved the car backwards down the hill onto a dirt track…. Relieved we thought escape was imminent…..Wrong!

Despite watching a Landover drive down the dirt track, a second “computer says no” steward was adamant that the only way out was back up the hill and wanted us to wait for the tractor to tow us up the hill. However, after arguing with three tired, muddy, angry women for an hour he eventually gave in and let us drive “A way we are not allowed” for two minutes down a nice tarmaced road and out of Glastonbury for good……..We can laugh about it now at least!

Glastonbury: The Arrival.

Well, how to some up Glasto???? So many stories so little time! It started in earnest with extreme irritation at the lady in the sat nav, after leaving Manchester at 12pm with an “estimated time of arrival” being 4pm we were happy bunnies. However, having already been in the car for more than 6hrs due to volume of traffic, stops for food and Sue’s extremely slow driving, we hit the road to Glastonbury……..

The Lady in the Sat Nav said 25 mintues to Glasto……Oh how wrong she
was! 8 hours later the Sat Nav still thought we were now 20 minutes away and we crawled inch by inch into a muddy field to begin our Glastonbury adventure. After thanking God for the lack of rain we lugged our bags for miles to find my friend putting up the tents alone at 2am in the dark. In my genius I thought it would be useful to carry everyone’s stuff in my car……..Wrong! After finding the tent we then had to walk all the way back to the car in bring the rest of the bags and eventually collapsed into bed at sunrise at 5am.

At 6am the tent became a sauna, having some how ending up with my head at the wrong end of the tent I awoke to see a spider crawl over my friends arse!......In my sleepy state I debated flicking the offending spider off her bottom, though quickly re evaluated the situation when it occurred to me the she would wake up to me inappropriately flicking her bottom!

On the first day
we happened upon some hippies in the “Healing Field” holding hands and chanting about flying, having fought off the strong urge to mock, they suddenly burst into song, this time they wanted everyone to “fly like an eagle” and had amusingly made a big eagle that they happy clapped around the field followed by other hippies fiddle dee deeing……..Unwittingly and in a very Mancunian accent I announced to all around “That eagles well flyin’ init!” Sending my friend into fits of laugher for the extremely odd looks I received…….Oh the shame!!

Unexpectedly bodily functions become the topic of conversion at Glasto, possibly related to the extreme trauma to the senses one experienced when trying to relieve ones self. Having purchased the “SheWee” I was unable to use it mainly weirded out by trying to wee like a man and having to face the very offending long drop, so I mastered to art of hovering over the long drop without pissing down my leg……..more difficult than it sounds!

Monday, 22 June 2009

The SheWee Debate!

Hmm…..Why is it that women are physically incapable of travelling light??? Why is it that I’m off to sit in a field for a week and I feel it necessary to wander for hours around the Trafford Centre in order to purchase new clothes, only to have them covered in mud??? I’m off to Glastonbury on Wednesday, I plan to lose my music festival cherry and thought Glasto would be the best. The thing is it says on the information leaflet…and I quote “Travel Light” Well I feel that as a member of the female of the species that this is an absolutely impossible task! How do they expect a self respecting and self confessed “girlie girl” to travel light??

Admittedly, I do feel some concern about my impending travels and the necessity to travel light, but when I look at all the clothes/outfits I have planned for only five messily days……I become filled with a sense of horror! How am I expected to cope for a whole year?? It’s a very serious situation I tell you!....Very Serious! Lol!

Also (why I feel it necessary to share this I don’t know) but I have purchased a “SheWee” apparently this is on the “Must take list” I feel there is something strange and unnatural about a “SheWee” Women are physically designed to piss on their own undergarments and feet while waving ones white arse around for all to see, its only natural! I have to say, what is the point of a “SheWee” if you can’t piss up the wall?? You see men have all the fun, and being able to piss up a wall is one of them! If a “SheWee” doesn’t mean that you can propel your urine at great distances and have “Who can piss the highest competitions” with boys then apart from looking strangely phallic, giving Freud a field day and being a bit weird, there is no point to them.

However, having said all that, I have made the decision on to purchase one for Glasto. You see I had a very traumatic experience when out with friends the other day. It began when I innocently had the urge to wee after a night of drinking diet coke (I was driving) so off I went to the loo, obviously accompanied by all other females in the room, as women are unable to brave the public toilet alone. There I was innocently multitasking, chatting, texting and weeing all at once. When it occurred to me that the toilet seat was strangely wet, “Someone pissed on the toilet seat” I hear you cry?.......Nope, that I could have just about forgiven! No this was something worse…….Something unspeakable…..Someone had actually vomited on the toilet seat and I had sat in it!! Nice! Hence the immediate purchase of the “SheWee!” (Colours were optional) so obviously I got the pink one…….it makes all the difference don’t you know! Lol!

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!

Well its seems like it was only last week since it was the 2nd February....The day my friend and I braved the Manchester weather to go and book my around the world adventure! I'm sure it was the only day in the history of the city that it snowed! If I remember rightly I think Central London ground to a halt because there was a "bit of snow" on the tube tracks and my little brother spent the day making a “Snow Cock” outside his house in Birmingham, which was promptly stolen by some jealous/offended individuals!

Meanwhile my friend and I, hardened northerners as we are, were determined! Donning oversized coats, ugg boots and big red faces, we slid down Oxford Road together.....baby safely bundled under my friends arm.......(in case you were wondering, that’s the West Houghton way of child transportation!) Eventually we arrived at STA Travel, there I met my new love (for about half and hour) Rory the travel agent! Wooing me, with his words of far off lands, itineraries and travel insurance, I paid a disgusting amount of money (on my credit card) to live out a dream! Initially in my over excitement I planned to visit every country I could, until I realised I wasn't the money bags I thought I was and that “local payment” was in the very, very small print!

5 months on, with an ever changing itinerary and an endless list of “to do’s”. I begin my first blog! Behold!

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