"A Friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself." 

Jim Morrison.

In 2005 my house mates Hils and Alison bought me singing lessons as a birthday present with a friend of Alison's from church, as a result they unknowingly introduced to someone who I have know doubt I will be friends with for the rest of my life. 

The first time I saw Rachel she was rushing towards me across the foyer of Royal College of Music with a backpack far too big for such skinny girl, she was wearing a massive scraf,  which apparently is "completely normal" for singers and she spoke very quickly in a high pitched voice, but with an air of nervousness. Her massive light blue backpack could have fitted a six year old child, but instead it was filled with library books filled with pages of music thumbed by generations of highly stressed singers trying to prove to her singing teacher they are not a complete failure and will be the one in a thousand that actually make it big. 

As I watched her rush over to the reception desk, I noted a fairtrade badge and a free palestine scarf tied to the outside of a bag that she had had to sow to reinforce it against the physical and psychological weight of the books. Her hair was long and mousey light brown and wrapped into a style all of her own on the top of her head, years later on my 30th birthday to our mutual friend Alison's horror I would grab a handful of her hair and chop it off to shoulder length and then pay for her to get it styled much to her mothers annoyance due to her sisters up and coming spring wedding. Her mother, as she calls her, felt her modern hairstyle ruined the wedding pictures. We still laugh about it.

She rushed over to the reception desk and had a discussion with the man from the college maintenance team about a pre booked rehearsal room, little did I know at the time the power the maintenance staff held over the music students, but I have since learned they are more powerful than God in their ability to cause an unimaginable amount of stress on an unsuspecting partically pre pubescent music students by stating that there are no available rehearsal rooms.

Eventually she lead me off to our allocated room, stating "This way!" in her teacher like voice. As I walked into the room my heart sank, it was less a room more a run down concert hall with judgemental empty seats and a piano in the middle. She started rabbiting on about warming up, I remember thinking that I was there to sing not to exercise, but I was so nervous I just smiled and went along we it. Then she asked me to do something that has become a running joke for the rest of our friendship. 

"Emma, now you have to moo!" her eyes smiling,

"Moo" I asked. "Like a cow?" 

"Yes, a cow. It warms up your vocal cords"

Feeling incredibly nervous, a little embarrassed and overwhelmed by the size of the room, we mooed like a pair of heifers waiting to be milked in the middle of the Royal College of Music. It was the first time I "sang" in front of anyone, it was the beginning of a lifetime friendship and the start of some hilarious memories.

So what I am grateful for today?

Mooing.

Amazing memories.

Special friends.

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." ~ 

Guillaume Apollinaire.

I have a poor relationship with Facebook... We have an on/off relationship because I find it generally makes me feel bad about myself, so why would you have that in your life? When your block list is longer than your friend list there is either a problem with you or everyone you consider your "friend" so I have decided to blog instead, not so I can brag about where I have been on holiday or how many miles I have run, but just so I can document my life and my inner struggle to become a better version of myself. 

No one need ever read it, it is simply for me.

A few years ago, my oldest friend gave me a book by Oprah Winfrey called "what I know for sure" inside he left a note marked Christmas 2014, it said

"To my dearest and oldest friend, I read a few pages of this book everyday for 6 months, it really inspired me. I hope it enriches your life too. Now we both have a copy!" 

Honestly, it is the most up lifting book I have ever read, even though it took me two whole years to read! (Now I have gone back to the beginning) mostly she talks about her quest to find some kind of inner peace and fulfilment, something that I can relate to strongly.

There is also a section on gratitude, generally I am a half empty person, I tend to see only the negative things in life, I attend counselling in a search to understand myself and develop better coping strategies. I speak to myself in my head negatively everyday..... My quest is to find a way to love myself and the little things in life, therefore I plan to write my gratitude journal on my blog. 

So what am i grateful for today?

• A cuddle from my boyfriend (Dave) this morning. Why? I wished for him and someone granted it.
• The sunshine, its rare here, it didn't last all day but it made everything seem better.
• Cooking. I made gammon, it took 5 hours plus 35 minutes roasting. Why did it make me happy? Because its makes Dave happy.
• Not switching on the TV. Why? Sometimes I think I am losing brain cells.
• The smell of my freshly washed hair. Why? Some people don't enjoy that luxury.
• Time to myself. Why? My thoughts sometimes overwhelm me, I need time to stop thinking.
• Watching the sunset from my bed. Why? I was lucky enough to have to time to appreciate it. 

Is blogging healthy?

Today I embark on my first "Life Coaching" session (Number 261 in the "Be Arsed" book) It is just a phone session but I am sort of nervous... What do I talk about? What if I cry? Will she do all the talking? Do I want her to do all the talking? Is it the right thing for me? Will it help me be happier? My friend recommended it to me, she said that through the process she discovered that humanitarian work was what she wanted to do with her life and now is working with Syrian refugees in Lebanon. Amazing right?

Yesterday I was talking to my house mate about how a friend of hers was admitted to a psychiatric unit and how she blogged about her experiences because she finds it difficult to express her deepest thoughts to her friends face to face. It got me thinking, I haven't posted anything for over twelve months and I used to use my blog in a similar way....to vent. Is that healthy? I read some of my posts back, most about how I hate my job, how I want to change my life, how I am trying to love even like myself a bit more... Half empty stuff really.....So I'm hoping that this life coaching could move me forward a little and help me make some big (happier) decisions. After all in the past couple of weeks I have wanted to live for a year in Italy, go to a Buddhist retreat in Nepal, trek to Everest Base camp for chairty, move to London and apply for yet another job in my home town...

Twelve months on, having completely failed, I might even challenge myself AGAIN to finish what I started to complete the challenges in my "Be Arsed" book!

So is Blogging healthy?

Is it better to talk to out or write it down? I figure I might do both...Better out than in right??

It begins....

It doesn’t matter where you are, you are nowhere compared to where you can go ~ Bob Proctor.

And so it begins....

The first day of my new positive outlook. A positive outlook taken in baby steps.
And the first thing I did the morning?... Deleted my match.com profile.
After all don't you have to love yourself first?

I tried to explain it to my friend today over lunch, but she didn't really understand it. Never mind, this is a personal journey anyway :)

So the rules...

Well the book is in 11 Chapters, so I am taking one thing from each chapter to keep it interesting and I plan to post about how I am finding each task. There are some things I can't do like the chapter on Parenting because I have no children...but I thought I would still post them for those who do and maybe you could let me know how it goes? 

Some of the suggestions are small ones like "Eat less salt" and others are bigger that will take longer to complete, so I plan to post about each suggestion until I feel I have completed it and then move onto the next....Who knows how long this may take?! Hopefully I will enjoy each task enough to keep it in my life as part of the new improved me :)

So what did I do today I hear you cry? Well number one of course....

I am a self confessed lazy bum. So instead of just joining the gym and sitting on the exercise bike pretending to work up a sweat. I have gone one step further....I have joined British Military Fitness! I need a big army guy shouting at me! Also maybe I will make some new friends alone the way?? Now all I have to do is arrange a day to go....*Baby steps* :)

What am I letting myself in for?? :)

Be The Change...

I woke up this morning with this thought in my mind "be the change you want to see" it was funny really, I was not sure where I had heard it but as a lover of a good quote I googled it.....

"Be the change you want to see in the world" ~ Gandhi.

It amused me. After all the thinking I have been doing lately about being a better version on myself.... I was pleased the quote was by Gandhi so I read on until I found this one...

"You may never know what results from your actions, but if you do nothing there will be no results."

There has been a book lying round my house for a couple of years now. Inside the cover it says "What is the point, you may ask, in messing things up by trying to do something different? The point is you are "trying" we are not promising you will lose 10lb in a week, become irressistible to the opposite sex, or suddenly be fabulously rich overnight. Instead we offer ideas that will make your life a bit more fun, make you a bit more successful and a bit happier.....All you have to do is be stimulated enough to try them out."

So in my personal journey to be "better" starting tomorrow I have decided I am going to do everything that is suggested in the book, and see where it takes me....For the record there are 365 things in the book! Is that one for every day? Hmm....I think I need to decide on the rules I suppose :)

Fancy coming alone with me?.....


http://thingsicantsay.com

Being Better....

Some people in life inspire you to be better than you were the day before you met them. I met that person this weekend and she doesn't even know it. This person is constantly striving to make small improvements to herself, to be a better version of herself and a better Christian.

I am not a Christian. Yet I want to be better.

The thing is how do you motivate yourself to be that change?

I have travelled the world, I have been successful in my chosen career and I am generous with others. Yet I am unfulfilled.

How does an ordinary girl find fulfilment in herself and become as her friend is, an inspiration to others?

Well it seems I haven't posted anything for quite a while, this was not an intentional thing I have just been busy....... I have bought a house and moved in, I have settled in nicely. I was worried I would be lonely living alone but I actually quite like it...well expect for when my boiler exploded, my burglar alarm went off at 4am and when I had an infestation of moths that were eating through my carpet....but it all better now!

The real reason I was prompted to blog today was actually something a close friend of mine is doing.
She is currently living below the poverty line on only £1 per day to raise awareness of extreme poverty. I admire that so much and it completely hit me from left field. I don't know why but lately I have become much more concerned with world affairs, local politics, recycling and charity work. Suddenly I want to be one of thos people who cares and I am only more motivated by the stories of those who have truly made a difference......has anyone seen movies like Milk, Gandhi and Invinctus? Go an rent them....Now.

Is it my age? Or is there something missing in my life? I was never interested in things like this a few years ago... Recently though I find the more interesting and intriguing people are the ones who care about something ...Anything....One of my friends is passionate about fair trade and lives her life to high moral values and this only makes her more endearing to me. The thing is although I admire these equalities in others I have never done anything for charity. Saying that I feel I want to make a difference myself.....The only thing is I don't know what.....Does anyone have any idea where to start?..

To date or not to date?....

Honestly I was a little jealous of my friend when she went on a second date with a guy she met on a night out.

I wasn't jealous about how nervous she was, how she complained about having butterflies in her stomach, how she was shaking and needed me to get her a drink to calm her down.

I wasn't jealous when she made me drive three times round the block while she plucked up the courage to get out the car, all the time listening to me reassure her about how amazing she is... but I was jealous when I watched from my car as he smiled at her as she walked towards him....

I was thinking maybe I should give internet dating a try again? The thing is I'm not all that bothered about it, part of me can't be doing with all the hassle and I don't actually expect to meet anyone I like... so would I be wasting my time and money or do I have nothing to lose?

Resolutions........I'm still thinking..........

Me. According to my friends....

Sometimes in life we need to hear good things about ourselves. It seems all to easy to focus on the bad stuff and in my case learning to take a compliment is something I am still working on.

A good friend recently told me that if I can't see good things in myself I should ask my friends what they like about me.

So I did.

Now I am writing them here not because I am big headed, but simply so they are written down and no matter what I can't change that. It is written fact. Maybe even now written in stone?

ME: "Ok this may seem like a crazy question but following some advice about learning to love myself a bit more, I thought I would ask my closest friends what they like about me....Sorry if this seems weird but those who under the concept of "Emmaism" will understand this completely."

FRIEND A: "This text just made me so happy, glad your taking my advice! Righty, So here's a few reasons why I think Em is great but bullet points don't really convey the fact that she is ace overall! So here goes...

1) Her complete refusal to give up on you as a friend. However, inept, haphazard and sometimes just plain unfeeling you may have been in the past.

2) Her protecting and cocooning nature and attitude with you if she sees you can't cope with much at the moment.

3) Her tell it like it is attitude.

4) You can trust her with anything!

P.S I don't fancy you by the way!! ;)

FRIEND B: I love the "roll your sleeves up and get stuck in" attitude, even if that involves rolling around in the mud. I love the person who can make anyone feel better about anything when they are feeling crappy. I love your laughter, remember that day on Hyde Park? When we lay on the grass and laughed till we made ourselves sick? That was fun and just plain happiness without props! I don't even know what we were laughing at now!

FRIEND C: You are fun loving, honest, caring and simply beautiful on the inside and out. You always listen and offer great advice. You are reliable and trustworthy! A perfect friend and I'm lucky to have you!

FRIEND D: I love that you say it like it is. You are honest and not two faced, You are giving, always supportive in a crisis and bloody impossible sometimes! But I love you anyway!

FRIEND E: You're honest, loyal, totally hilarious and ALWAYS fun to be with.

FRIEND F: I like you're loyalty to your friends, you're always smiling, you're honest even about your faults. I love your Emmaisms (like this one). You're helpful to others, you give amazing advice, you are just plain nice to be around.

FRIEND G: You're funny, cheerful, outgoing and always up for a laugh and that is just a few....

FRIEND H: Right here is my list about my favourite things about you...

1. You're a really good listener.

2. You give killer advice and you are always completely honest.

3. You have the most infectious laugh of out of everyone I know.

4. You're loyal.

5. I can sit with you for hours and put the world to rights because you put me completely at ease.

6.When you care about someone you can see past their bad points.

7. You have great hair. Bitch.

8. You love the arts and anyone who sees the beauty in the world is great in my book.

9. You love a good boogie and a singsong.

10. You're not afraid to show your sensitive side, even though you are the strongest person I know.

ME: Maybe they know something I don't???

Can I ever learn to love......me?

Maybe I use this blog as a sounding board for all the thoughts that go through my head? I think I write things on here that I can't really tell those around me. Maybe it makes for depressing reading but if no one actually reads it then I am not hurting anyone....right?

Following advice from my friend, which basically translated to "I need to learn to love myself more" I have decided that I am going to have a good think about all the things that I like about myself. I plan to consider whether I would like too be friends with me and what needs to be changed in my attitude towards myself and those around me that with hopefully lead to a happier future.

This may take sometime....

Learn to Love Yourself.....

I met up with one of my closest friends last night. She is someone who sees the good in everyone, someone who wants to heal the world and all who are in it. She knows all my deepest secrets and still loves me for it.

We started talking about things that had moved us recently. I told her I had read the first few chapters of "One Day" and how there was a paragraph in it that could have been written just for me! It even had my name printed in black and white on the page. It was like a slap in the face. I cried when I read it.

"Here it is. I think you're scared of being happy, Emma. I think you think that the natural way of things is your life to be grim and grey and dour and to hate your job, hate where you live, not to have success or money or God forbid a boyfriend! In fact I'll go further and say that I think you actually get a kick out of being disappointed and under-achieving because it easier, isn't it? Failure and unhappiness is easier because you can make a joke out of it. Is this annoying you? I bet it is."

My friend read it with a smile and insisted that I love myself more. She sent me away with the name of a book and a page number, she told me I had to start saying a particular paragraph to myself. When I found the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" page number 57 and read the paragraph I totally understood the point she was trying to make. I cried. Again.

(Main character talking to herself)

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it. I will love you through that as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

She is a good friend that one.

Discussion Time.

"There's no aphrodisiac like innocence..."

Agree or Disagree?

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

Life update....

I probably should be in bed, after all I am back to work tomorrow after three weeks off!! However, I haven't written anything in ages so I thought I better write a quick "life update."

You would think with 3 whole lovely weeks off work that I had been away on holiday or doing something exciting.... but no just sorting out my life, the lives of my friends, falling out with one friend and making up with another.....Mainly though I have been bogged down with this bloody essay!! Anyone want to write 2,500 words on learning styles?...."No" you say??

What on earth made me go back to uni now?? Not the best plan I ever had, but necessary! Who needs a degree anyway?? Me, obviously.

Excitingly though I maybe buying a house! It's nice, but not really in the area I wanted though....Maybe a bit to close to my parents (as in round the corner) but considering my mum is going to be my "partner" in the mortgage I can't complain!

Does this mean I am a proper grown up type now then or is that when I get excited about going hoover shopping???

Will see what happens on Wednesday when I make my offer....

Anyway, I had better get to bed. Will see what tomorrow brings? Good stuff I hope!

Night, Night xxx

I blame Disney...

There is something fundamentally wrong about toys in paddling pools......Especially when they are Buzz and Woody!

There I was minding my own business when I noticed next doors paddling pool (minus children) complete with Buzz and Woody floating face down!

I was concerned.

I was concerned that I was concerned, but they remained there all day....

Honestly, I was tempted to mount a rescue, jump the fence and save them in a blaze of glory.....After all everyone knows that Buzz and Woody aren't really toys, but real people with personalities and the coincidental voices of Hollywood megastars...

I watched them float around all day. Until to my relief they were rescued.... Buzz was given a good shake to knock off the water and taken inside, but Woody was hung on the washing line to dry.... For three whole days!

An excessively long time I feel.

Again, I was concerned.

I was concerned that I was concerned.

I blame Disney......

Poor Woody.

Meet Alice.

Sometimes you read a blog that truly moves you, one that makes you realise your posts are just mindless waffle.

This is Alice.

She is 15 and has terminal cancer.

She started writing her blog for her family, to share with them her bucket list.... and the world went crazy.

Check it out.

(Repost) Twenty Facts about Me...

"One of the most difficult things is not to change society but to change yourself" Nelson Mandela.
1. I am 29 Years Old....I have no boyfriend, no children and I still live with my parents (but saving to buy my own place).
2. I am well traveled. I have camped in a tent on the Serengeti.

3. I have nearly died (Twice) Once when I was 6 months old and once when I was 10 years old.....You would think I would appreciate life more.

4. I have never had a man love me back.

5. My favourite person in the world is my Nana...She loves me unconditionally.

6. I love to be creative but rarely am....I love painting and photography.

7. I can sing.....well....but no one knows.

8. I still suck my thumb...

9. I am a nurse....I have stuck my finger in places that would make you feel sick.

10. Men make me nervous.

11. I have never had a one night stand.

12. Sometimes I feel so lonely I think I have burnt a hole in my chest.

13. I secretly wish I was the leading lady in a musical.

14. I think I may have taken the wrong path in life.

15. I avoid people with children because I want them so badly, but I think I never will.

16. I have the best family in the world.

17. I have lost more friends in the last year than I care to count.

18. At night I stick pillows in my back so I feel like someone is cuddling up to me....

19. I am a couch potato.

20. I think & love far too much.