Monday, 10 August 2009

A letter to you....Things I can't say.

We have been in this limbo for far to long.......Two years in fact! You playing your mind games, me lapping up every little bit of attention, allowing you to make me feel never doing enough to take things any further. Me wanting to be pursued, you never hot in pursuit. I have thought about you, fantasied about you, worried about you, even missed you when you were away.... All the while knowing you were not the man I had dreamed of.....

I have talked about you endlessly to my friends and ignored their advice, I have allowed myself to invent a different you in my mind, a person who wanted me and wasn't afraid to admit it. A person with integrity who had concern for others, instead you showed your true colours.... You are afraid.

What a shock it must have been to have the girl you have spent all night texting coincidentally walk into the same restaurant with her family and sit at the next table while you were having a romantic meal with your so called ex!.....Surprise!

You do just enough to keep my interest, you have told me I am beautiful but only by email never to my face, you have appeared upset when I ignored you. When I asked you where it was going you told me "I love my ex but if she doesn't want me, I will have you" To which I said I wasn't willing to play second best. You have used others to make me jealous, you look at me like you want to ravish me, yet we have never really had a proper conversation. You ignore me when others are around, you have never even offered to buy me a drink....You obviously don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me either.....

You are complicated and I won't take a risk. I may sound angry, but it is not with you, I am angry with myself for being so weak, you have behaved the same way for two years, going hot and cold....... It is me who has changed.....
I may regret writing this? It was supposed to make me feel better but I only feel worse!

I want a man who puts me first and puts up with my faults. Maybe I should have made a move? Maybe I should have been nicer? Or flirted with you more? Maybe I shouldn't have talked about you to my friends? Do you even like the person I am?

I wish I didn't love it when you text me, I wish I didn't have to delete your number from my phone so that I c
an't text you when I am lonely. I wish I could stop myself staring at you when you are not looking, I wish I hadn't hoped you would come knocking on my door....Is it me who is scared? I am blaming you when all this is due to me? Is it time for me to take a risk? Do I have anything to lose (expect my dignity) Is there any point worrying about this now?....After all I leave the country in a few months, will you even know this is meant for you?

Is it true that fear only holds you back?


  1. You don't know me, but I randomly read your blog post today (A Letter To You), and its funny because I can understand everything you're saying! I'm sort of just getting out of the same situation with a girl that I like who loves her ex and likes me at the same time. We text all the time, behave as a couple and it just felt emotionally really intense. Everyone kept telling me that she wasn't worth it, and she was just playing me and stringing me along, but I would never listen (and as you say, inventing a different person in my mind!).

    I'm finding it so difficult to move on because the love I feel for her is very real. I just wish it was reciprocated.

  2. Wow, that sounds intense! You really should listen to your friends though...honestly, if she really loved you, she would go to the ends of the earth for you..if it was me I would! Sounds to me like she is wanting everything her way.....Maybe you should start making some demands of your own??

  3. You wouldn't believe how intense it is/was for the amount of time we'd known each other! Every time I try to leave her, something happens and we end up back at square one. The relationship never progresses for us because she is too scared to move forward. I realised the other day though just how much she loves her ex. I am trying to move on, but its so so hard :( I feel like I've lost the one for me.

  4. If she was the one for you she would move forward with you...the fact that she hasn't done says a lot!

    You should be proud that you are able to feel so deeply...some men can't! However those deep feelings should be extended to another! She is not in a good head space and to be truthful do you really want to be with someone that a) has so many issues. b) is in love with someone else and c) makes you crazy??

    Time to move on my friend...if she whats to come with you, great! If not...her loss!

  5. Yeah, you're right - we haven't moved forward for a while, and I think I've accepted the fact she's not good for me.

    I wish I wouldn't feel so deeply sometimes - I actually wish I could shut off my feelings and make my decisions on a logical basis!

    But yeah, it is time to move on. Love is strange - it can hurt you so much, but be the best feeling in the world - sometimes unexpectedly! x


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