Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Before you're thirty says Google

I will be 28 in exactly 10 days.....28! How did that happen? I feel like I'm still 16! I must say that is far to close to 30! I remember my mum turning 30, I remember that my grandad gave her a gun shaped lighter because she said everyone should be shot at 30......I remember thinking about what my life would be like when I hit the big three zero, I thought I would be married , have at least one child and have a pretty house somewhere....Oh now wrong I was!

During the wee small hours of one of my night shifts I got thinking about what I am supposed to have achieved by 30 and with the help of the gospel of google I found this......

Here, we cut out the non-essential experiences and present the definitive list of 30 Things You Really, Really Should Do Before You're 30.

Dye your hair/have an unwise haircut/shave your head: Often as part of an unwise identification with a particular style of music, such as punk, goth or Nu-metal.

Move out of your parents home: obviously! Maybe even be on the propety ladder.

Women: purchase your first pair of Manolo Blahnik or Jimmy Choo shoes. Men: purchase, then dispose of, some deeply unsuitable footwear: Cowboy boots, winkle pickers, brothel creepers ...

Lose a fight: After 30 you should be able to settle things amicably.

Attend a wedding/funeral of a contemporary: Both important reminders of the fleeting nature of time.

Start writing a novel/film script/slim volume of deeply embarrassing poetry: ... which will haunt you from the bottom drawer.

Spend a night sleeping outside: Whether it's on a Greek beach, or in a London doorway after a particularly damaging night out.

Stay up for 48 hours: Believe me, you will never be able to do this after you've turned 30.

Have your heart broken: If this hasn't happened by the time you're 30, you're clearly emotionally subnormal.

Kill an animal: A bird, a fish, a terminally ill family pet.

Drive a sports car extremely fast while wearing sunglasses: Get it out of your system before the grey hairs appear.

Lose a week's wages in a casino: See above.

Make your first million: Wishful thinking, perhaps, but if you plan to be seriously rich, it's good to start early.

Have a pregnancy scare: An important part of the emotional maturing process.

Have a one-night stand: See above.

Have an office romance: See above.

Have sex somewhere peculiar: Aeroplane lav, boss's desk, pod on the London Eye, the central hall of Tate Modern ...

Be naked in public: Streaking, skinny-dipping or just simple forgetfulness.

Have, at the very least, a flirtation with a minor celebrity: It's important to be able to point at the television screen and say: "I've snogged him/her." NB this does not apply to Blue Peter pets.

Give up a well paid job to find yourself: ... before succumbing to a life of soul-eroding wage slavery.

Have a quarter-life crisis: Probably as a result of the above.

Do a McJob: Something deeply menial but soul-improving.

Be so short of cash you have to sell something: Record collection, family heirloom, kidney, sexual favours.

Work your way around Australia: It takes a while, and you can't get a permit to do casual work once you're over 30. Other continents are also acceptable.

Grow out of cannabis: Youthful experimentation is all very well, but a fuddled thirtysomething with a passion for Pink Floyd and a hunger for Frosties is just embarrassing.

Get arrested: For a minor offence, obviously: something like disturbing the peace, which suggests you're not a terminal conformist. At the very least, you should have been breathalysed.

Get a tattoo: Absurd if you're over 30.

Start your own dotcom: ... and see it fail. You'll have a chance to bounce back into a proper job.

Drink yourself unconscious: And wake up with only the haziest, shabbiest memories of the night before.

Have embarrassing photographs of you posted on a website by friends: Possibly as a result of the above.

It made me laugh, I still have a few to tick off yet!.....Next will be my bucket list!........

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