You are missed

"Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent" ~ Jean Kerr.


I look for you but I don't see you.

My friends tell me if I stop looking, you will suddenly appear, but it's easy for them to say, they are content with their lives. I just can't help myself.

Are you the man standing next to me at the bus stop or the guy staring at me from across the bar? Are you the Paramedic bringing me a new patient or the Policeman who is dragging one away? Even if it was you, I would never know as I would be automatically looking at the floor, breaking eye contact and losing the moment forever.

If only you knew how much I miss you, even though I haven't met you...

I miss you in the shopping mall, when I see couples holding hands. I miss you when I am pushed out of the way in the crowd because I am alone and of no consequence. I miss you when I look for cards for yet another friend who has had a baby. I miss you when I see the one that is meant for you, I glance at it a while, but it remains on the shelf.

I missed you at my sister's wedding when I told her she looked beautiful. I missed you as I straightened her dress and painted on my smile as my loneliness burnt inside. I missed you when I watched them have their first dance and when everyone took their partners to the dance floor. I missed you as I hid in the corner hoping I would disappear.

I miss you as the cold Autumn air chills my fingertips as I imagine holding your hand. I miss your smile when I show you where I used to play as a child. I miss your humour as we laugh while we walk though the woods and along the riverbank.

I miss you at Christmas when I watch my siblings receive gifts from their partners. I miss you at the Christmas table when I pretend I am happy for my family's sake, but inside I want to cry.

I miss you when I sit alone in the cinema, hoping that no one has noticed the girl sitting alone with her popcorn. I miss you as I pretend to text someone on my mobile phone so people think I am not alone in the world.

I miss you at night when I move the extra pillows into the small of my back, as I dream that one day you will hold me as I drift off to sleep. I miss you when the voice of hope begins to speak more quietly to me. I miss you when she promises me that one day I will be happy, one day I will meet you and one day I will have everything I ever dreamed of.

If only you knew how much I miss you...