"Regret for things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for things we did not do that is inconsolable" ~ Syndey Smith.
Army Boy:
I met you in my nan's garden, we were having a family party and you were the son of a friend of the family. Dressed in your uniform and carrying your daughter how could I resist....
We chatted in the garden as we played with your daughter and I thought nothing else of it (how could you possibly fancy me) until suddenly I started receiving text messages from you.
You were sexy, funny and flirtatious. We liked the same things and eventually you convinced me to drive the 4 and a half hours to your house for the weekend. I remember I was excited and wasn't nervous until we were alone together.....Which is when I morphed into a neurotic woman.
Boy, did I over analyse you...
You took me onto your base and proudly showed me around while talking about your job. You acted like the perfect gentleman, you paid for our meals and opened doors for me. You took me into the city and as we wandered around the cathedral, I began to panic..."What if he expects me to sleep with him?" You tried to chat to me but I was tense and conversation was silted. I remember you telling me "Military men often marry nurses because they can get a job in any hospital" Causing my mind to go into complete overdrive.....
When the evening came we chatted on the sofa, I quizzed you about your ex wife and you explained how you had to stay in contact with her for your daughter's sake. You told me that she played mind games with you and showed me how she sent you erotic pictures of herself to keep your interest even though she had a new partner.
The photos were all the excuse I needed.
It was Game Over.
In the morning, I woke up at 7am put on my clothes and left. Giving you a silly excuse about having to get home. As I got in my car, I looked at you through the rear view mirror, standing on your doorstep in your towel looking all dumbfounded. I felt so bad when you said "but.. I was going to make us dinner." I started to cry, but I drove away anyway.
To my surprise the texts continued and I replied...beating myself up about my "girlie freak out".....Asking my friends "Was it me?" but knowing full well it was. After a few weeks, when you asked me what you did.. I confessed everything, endured the usual "REALLY!??" conversation, but to my surprise you still wanted to see me.
When your family arranged a party and invited my family.. I was surprised as I hadn't seen you since I ran away, but I made the effort...doing the girlie thing of putting on some make up and over analysing myself in the mirror. Telling myself a few times..
"You're so fat!"
"No you're not!"
"Yes, you are!"
When I arrived to my horror I realised I was overdressed......only to have your dad ask "Have you got dressed up for him" Which only deflated my confidence to less than zero.
When I realised your whole family knew about me and had been excitedly awaiting my arrival. I had my second "girlie freak out" and refused to make eye contact or talk to you. When you followed me to my car to ask if you had done something wrong, I immediately felt bad and just said "I feel a bit self conscious" I felt so uncomfortable, so eventually I left the party.....
Confidence in tatters.
Unsurprisingly, I never heard from you again.
A few weeks ago your dad sent me pictures of your wedding to a gorgeous blond, you looked so happy...
God I missed out.
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