Do you think she is trying to tell me something??

My Friend: "So how did your date go?"

Me: "Not bad actually! He is lovely!..."

My Friend: "Stop what you're doing immediately! I'm calling you! You NEVER say you like people.....even when they are NICE!"

Time to be selfish....

I have been thinking a lot lately about my future. I feel like I'm at a bit of a cross roads and I need to make a decision about which road I want to take. I just feel like I need to make a change, a positive change and stop beating myself up over the actions of others.

Yes, I make life difficult for myself. Yes, I allow myself to feel worthless because people treat me badly and Yes, I convince myself that no one could ever love me. Well, I'm sick of it! One day someone will look at me and see the kind person I am, one day someone will want to get to know the real me, one day someone will want to chat to me without being condescending and one day I will be worth something to someone...

Until then I am going to do what makes ME happy.....If I want to move jobs.. I will. If I want go back to university... I will. If I want to sing.. I will and If I want to volunteer in Africa.. I will!

A friend said to me the other day "Do everything while you can because one day you won't be able too!" She was so right! xx

Dear New Life...

I have been feeling really down latey, moaned about it to my friend who told me to re-read an email I sent her when I got back from my travels..... So here it is......

Hey Lady,

How are you? Yes I was stalking you! lol. So I'm home.....My first full day today.....hmm, not so sure, everything is the same. I'm pretending I'm still away on facebook, so that know one can start with the "already" thing a few people have said it and it makes me feel like a failure.....I know that is dramatic but it is how I'm feeling....(sorry to moan...your just miss positive and I hoped you wouldn't mind)

New Zealand was amazing though! Missing it already...think I miss the people I met there though...who were actually English....Its a shame I didn't get a working visa for there instead! I will definately go back!

I have kind of promised myself I wouldn't slip back into my old life....I have band myself from going back to my old job but I owe my mum about 2 grand now so that maybe unlikely....

Feeling the need to leave Manchester soon but that Art course is here.....Thankfully its only a year, but is the best one in the country....then I was thinking about heading for the bright lights of London....

I met a girl travelling who told me to write down all the things I want to do when I get home so I do them.....So I am gonna tell you them so you can remind me when I am being negative again! So.....

Dear Diary (Rach)

Here are the things i must do when I get home:
1. Move out of mums
2. Sing more.
3. Learn to ski.
4. Do the TEFL course/teach english somewhere crazy.
5. Do a cooking course/language course/history course.
6. Go hand gliding.
7. Exercise more/Go swimming (often)
8. Visit Europe mainly Rome/China/India.
9. Do more photography.
10. Paint.
11. Move out of Manchester.
12. Be positive.
13. Do an infectious diseases course and be a volunteer medic.

I found a neckless in New Zealand.....it is a Maori symbol "the Koru" its apparently an unfolding fern meaning "new beginnings, new life, growth and strength" I really like it.....I'm hoping it reminds me of all the promises I have made to myself....maybe its crazy!

Anyway, enough about me.....So the London move??? Is it on?? I must come and see you soon where ever you are.....

Tell me all your gossip! lol!

Big love Lady, Love Me xxx

Je ne comprends pas, Excusez-moi.

So here I am in my new French retreat, Aix en Provence the home of Cezanne. I came here to visit my friend who is singing in the Aix Opera Festival....One problem, I can't speak French. Actually, I can tell you my name and where I am from, I could probably count for you, but apart from that I fail and considering I studied French in High School for 5 years, that is pitiful!

France is amazing the sun shines, the food is fresh and locally grown, their love of history and their apprecation for art is like no where else. I would just love to speak to someone in their language. So I want to learn. I have promised myself that I will add it to my to do list and one day return and be able to order the amazing food off the menu, ask about the art work and look around their historial buildings and talk to the guide. Just need to find a class.

Reach for the Stars......

The Summer Fete...

Yesterday my sister invited me to come to her local Village Fete. Interesting, I thought... a nice way to spend a summer afternoon and embrace my Englishness. However, as the Village Gala Queen and row after row of Morris Dancers passed me, followed by the dance round the Maypole. I had an inner confession to make....I am a City Girl. Don't get me wrong I like the countryside as much as anyone and sometimes I even think I might like to live there, but in reality I think I prefer the city.

There is something about the Village Fete that I find weird......Do parents actually enjoy dressing their children up in the most awful and embarrassing outfits they can find? Is it so they can show the photo to everyone at their 18th birthday party?? Also is it not odd to allow your child to appear in public wearing a leopard skin cat suit??

Admittedly, I love the sense of community in a village that the city lacks. I love the fact that the kids can play with their friends with peace of mind and yes the Yorkshire countryside is lovely, but in reality a prefer the anonymity of the City. Either way, fully grown men Morris Dancing is just weird, city or not!

Missing..

One thing I didn't expect to feel when I planned my trip was being this down on my return..... I feel like I don't fit anywhere anymore. My friends all seemed to have managed perfectly well without me, one or two of them have missed me but on the whole they are not really bothered.... After all they have their own lives.

I have noticed small changes but they are exactly that, small changes like a Sainbury's Supermarket that has been built at the end of my friend's road causing me to get very lost when I drove to her house for the first time on my return. Mostly though everything is the same.

I have no idea what to do next..... I seem to have lost my motivation to do anything..... My last entry to my travel journal was full off positivity and plans for the future, but since I have got home and pressed play on my old life it feels more and more like I never went in the first place.

Maybe it is because I have recently realised I misjudged people who I thought were my friends, maybe its because I'm lonely after spending six months constantly in the company of others and now sit alone in my bedroom watching the Bones Box Set because no-one is free. Maybe it is because I'm not sure whether to go to Art School or continue a career in Nursing. Maybe its because I go for lunch surrounded by my friends and their babies and have nothing to contribute because I am quite obviously NOT part of the mummy's club..... I just don't fit anymore.

I know this isn't the most up beat post in the world, but I wanted to write it down, put it out there so I can start moving forward....The question is which way do I go and who is coming with me? Would anyone miss me if I wasn't here at all?