A Dating Contradiction.......

Why can I not picture myself in a relationship with someone? Does that mean there is something wrong with me or that I am scared of getting hurt?

Should a person who can't picture themselves in a long term relationship with anyone be dating at all?

I went on my first actual internet date today, actually my first date in over a year. You would think that I would have learnt by now that internet dates NEVER works, but I try anyway, in the hope that all those chick flicks were right and the right guy in out there afterall...

Negativity aside he was actually quite nice, we talked about everything but I'm not sure there was any chemistry. Actually more to the point what is chemistry? And how do you know if you have it?

Was I attracted to him?? Hmm....Maybe not.....

Would I like some male attention?.......Yeah, probably.....

Where are the boys when you need them?

When I saw it was sunny this morning I had the genius idea of going to buy a laptop, as I am sick of having to do my degree work inside the house, while outside the sun is shining and everyone is enjoying themselves! So off I went to the shopping centre.

After a couple of panicking phone calls to my IT geek little brother, a super quick purchase of a sports bra and an argument with the shop assistant over my incorrect use of the “none lingerie” changing room, despite the fact that it was in fact the only changing room on that floor. I nervously headed over to the laptop area as I tried to remember what my brother had said “Was it 2 megabytes or gigabytes? Was it a 500 hard drive and a 200? What does all this mean anyway? I bet they know I have no idea what I am on about!"

You see this trauma is a daily occurrence for me in my endlessly “single girl” state. I try to pretend I am a modern independent woman, but when it comes to stuff like this, I fail miserably. Other women, those who have men in their lives, would just have to stand there and look pretty, while the saleman talks in boy to their gadget happy other half. Happy in the knowledge that they were not being ripped off simply because they are a girl.

In my head life seems so much easier, but I suppose the grass is always greener.

Either way, I was ripped off and in the process totally forgot get “office” as I was convinced Windows and Office were the same thing and they just magicially appear on your computer with no effort at all on my part.

Fail.

£700 pounds plus £90 for Office later,

I am poor.

Shame.

Internet Dating.....It begins again!

I thought I might give internet dating another bash, this was after I was talked into it by a friend of mine while picnicking in the spring sunshine..... She used all the usual statements to talk me round "What have you got to lose?" "It's more socially acceptable now" and my personal favourite "Mr Right could be just a click away" obviously she is NOT single.....

So I found a "free" dating website, copied and pasted an old "Tell us about what you are looking for" statement from another dating site I once joined and added a picture...

Then a few days went by and I forgot about the profile until today when I was avoiding doing some work. So I logged onto the website and to my surprise I had 72 messages! Granted there were some "special" individuals in the mix.......a couple of delusional 50 year olds in need of a mail order bride and one who was 67 years old probably in need of a carer, but hey God loves a trier....Right!

Well Done Boys you made me giggle ;-)

Backpacker Memoirs....Victoria Falls, Zambia.

Monday 28th December 2009.

Well today started off with a bang. After our official visit to Victoria Fall yesterday which was amazing....Today with got to see feel it's power, even when the river is low! A few of us decided to go to "The Devil's Pool" just above Victoria Falls.


Basically, being the stupid tourists that we are, we paid money to swim in a pool at the top of Vic Falls! It's funny really, they advertise it as "Livingstone Island" sounds pretty sedate, but when you get there they have you climbing over rocks in your bikini for hours with some African guy right behind you. Who somehow manages to "guide" you in the right direction with his hand right on your ass and a well timed wink....

Honestly though, it was an massive adrenaline rush. They had us swimming though water that was trying to push you over the edge with only two guys to grab hold of you before you tipped over the edge! They had us jump into the pool in a certain place right on the edge, the power of the water was unbelievable! I ended up with so many bruises and scratches, but we got our first slap up breakfast complete with knife and forks and proper towels to dry ourselves off with afterwards.....We got overly excited and got some funny looks, but none of the other tourists had been camping for 60 days.....Light weights! hehe!

All in all, an amazing day.

One day....Maybe?

"Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it's true. Someone somewhere is thinking of you." ~ Unknown.

Someone once said It's nice that I still believe in love and that I am willing to take risks to find it." Recently though I have started to feel that I am wasting my time. Maybe I am meant to be alone? Maybe I will become one of those middle aged women who never marries and ends up caring for her aging mother? Maybe true love doesn't exist, maybe it's just something that is created in the movies and as a child you just assume that one day it will happen to you.

Recently it seems everyone around me is in a couple, all of my old friends are now married, most have babies and I am left on the side lines, endlessly texting them...... "Are you free today? Tomorrow? Next week??" Do they realise what I am really saying? "I am lonely, please spend time with me?" *tears*

I just hope there is a point to feeling like this now? That one day I will meet the person I was suppose to wait for and that it will all make sense.

I just can't help thinking.... What if there is not?

It's ok.

"The reason people find it hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than is was, the present worse than it is and future less resolved than it will be." ~ Marcel Pagnol.

I know this sounds totally obvious, but it only occurred to me the other day that life is how it is right at this moment. There is no point worrying about what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future. You can't change what has gone before only make positive changes to what might come in the future....

For me its about pushing myself to fill the empty spaces, reducing the amount of time I spend alone and not worrying about the choices I made in the past. I suppose they were the right choices at that time, otherwise I would have made different ones...Right?

I want to be a proactive person, someone who is positive not negative, someone who embraces those who want to be part of my life and disregards those who don't.

I could be a better version of me. And I will be.

Becoming a skinny bitch!

The miracle isn't that I finished, the miracle is that I had the courage to start ~ John Bingham.

One thing I have never been is a skinny bitch! So yesterday when I went on a mission to find some new jeans and found I didn't fit in my usual size, I was not a happy bunny and drowned my sorrows with a Domino's meat feast pizza, chicken wings and a garlic bread (Shared with a friend.....but still, you see my point.)

Last night I picked up a book I have refused to throw out for 3 years, "Running Made Easy" it contains all the motivational stuff about how running makes you more confident, less stressed, sets goals, makes you feel sexy and healthy....and oh yes I have been stucked in!

So I am going to do it! I am going to register for the Manchester 10k next year...I have already talked a friend into it and I will do it! Go me!